In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize