Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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