So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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