Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
