Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
