I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
