cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
