it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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