I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize