please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Randomize
