Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize