Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
