There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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