sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
