I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize