Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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