I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
