as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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