yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
