it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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