I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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