You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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