that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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