My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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