Umm I'm too high to move.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
