When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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