Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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