i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
