Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize