Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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