Who wears a wallet chain?!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
