are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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