I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
