so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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