you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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