FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
