I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
