This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
