Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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