K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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