I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
