rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize