This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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