I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
