from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
