You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
