i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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