i already hear my dad disowning me
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
