3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
