he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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