tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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