i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
