we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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