living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
