Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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