two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
The air taste purple.
Randomize
