Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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