don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
