Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
