we have pet lesbian snakes
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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