just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
did i walk over a car last night?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
