I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
