i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
