Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
